The Wonders and Mysteries of Self Esteem

Self esteem is an interesting thing. How you feel about yourself pretty much affects how you feel about almost everything else.

I know a lot about self-esteem, but that doesn't mean I have good self-esteem. Knowing and doing can be very different things in the world of emotions.

The fatal sting of comparing yourself to others

Sometimes I look at blog posts and photos that come from other people (especially other young couples) and I wonder how the can be so good at life! I know so many couples that seem to have it all (at least compared to me). They have these nice apartments that they have decorated so nicely, they find jobs so easily, and they have the time and money to go on all these fabulous trips and adventures. I start to wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't seem to do these things.
The other thing that is hard with this is when I see pictures of my friends and how beautiful and accomplished they are. I start to think, "Why can't I control my eating and be skinny like that?" or "Why don't I have the energy and health to do great things with my life?"

Everyone else seems to be able to all these wonderful things, work 40 hours a week, and still look great. I start working 40 hours a week and stress myself out, come home and eat my emotions, watch movies, and still catch a cold from all the stress. My husband and I have a very crappy computer, a tiny (and I mean tiny) apartment, hand-me-down furniture, and jobs as janitors. We don't have much besides our sense of humor and a little bit of ambition.

If you've ever felt this way, just know that your aren't alone, I know exactly how it is to feel like that. If no one understands you, at least I will do the best I can to.

I remember once a year-and-a-half ago I was doing the whole looking at other people's facebook pages and blog and comparing them to me. I started complaining out loud to my roommate about how everyone was having such great lives and I wasn't. She just said "You are doing that comparing thing. You will never feel happy and good about yourself if you do that all the time. I think she knew that I knew it wasn't good for me to do that. Her statement has stuck with me, because it's true. And the thing about it is that it goes both ways. You won't be happy if you compare yourself to others saying that you are better than them either.

How do you get out of this habit? If I knew much about how to stop comparing yourself to others, it might not be such a problem to me.
I think a big part of overcoming this problem is reminding yourself that everyone is a human being, and we all have problems. What we show on the internet is usually the best parts of our lives, not the piles of dishes or the mundane tasks at work, or the fights we have with other people. If you want to know what is going on in someone's life, call them or talk to them in person. It's harder to get jealous when you hear a human voice or see a face.

The other side of self-esteem

Once my cousin said something about how the reason he is so loud, dramatic, and funny is that he totally fears rejection. He protects himself by being loud and making lots of jokes. When I heard that, I realized that I could completely relate to it. Often the people that seem the most confident, and in some cases, arrogant, are the ones with the lowest self-esteem. They alter or exaggerate their behavior to go with how they think people would like them best. They shield their hearts with their loud voices and boasting and jokes. I used to do this a lot as a teenager. But all it did was make me feel empty. I felt so sad that no one saw or understood me for who I really was, but now that I had made myself look and act a certain way, I felt that I either had to stick with the reputation I already had, or I had to build it up with even crazier behavior. Now I am over that, and life is better. But I know that it can be so hard to just be yourself, and I still have moments in life where I feel like I can't just be myself.

What helped me overcome this habit was realizing that giving of myself would bring me more happiness than trying to compel others to give me the attention I craved. Showing interest in other people and giving them attention will bring fulfillment and happiness. However, the key to success with this is not expecting anything back from the other people (except basic human respect). You aren't being sincere when you expect others to give compliments when you give them some. Just accept the fact that not everyone is going to be as thoughtful and caring as you. You'll be surprised at how much love you get when you give without restriction. Of course, you have to draw a line somewhere. If you feel like you are being walked all over, maybe you are giving too much. But a little selflessness goes a long way.

Negativity Hurts

They say for every negative thing you think or say toward someone, it'll takes 10 positive things from you to heal that hurt. Negativity can be a powerful, hurtful thing. Sometimes it drives me crazy to see how rampant cyber-bullying, back-talking, and general negative statements are. Just remember that when someone says something mean, it's almost always because they are hurting too.

I always hurt myself by saying negative things about myself, whether it's out loud or in my head. Everyone does that. I think it's something that we as humans have to battle our whole lives.

In the parenting class I help teach, we have homework for each week, and one of the homework assignments for the self-esteem weeks is to give yourself credit for something good every day. And you have to say it out loud. There is nothing wrong with saying "I sure got those dishes done fast!" or "Wow i was so productive today!" It's okay to acknowledge that you are a great person. As long as you aren't doing it to make yourself feel like you are better than other people. That's when pride creeps in.

Try to be patient with other people and avoid saying negative thing about them. The first step is to not participate when others are gossiping about people. You don't have to chastise them or anything, just don't join in.

Lastly, take care of yourself. Keep your body clean and healthy. If you need help, admit it and find it. It's just fine to ask others for help. I know it can be hard to find time to do fun things or develop your talents, but try to find a way to work those things into your life that bring you happiness. And be willing to learn. Learning feels so good when you are interested in the subject. Even if it's just Youtube tutorials.