Self esteem is an interesting thing. How you feel about yourself pretty much affects how you feel about almost everything else.
I know a lot about self-esteem, but that doesn't mean I have good self-esteem. Knowing and doing can be very different things in the world of emotions.
The fatal sting of comparing yourself to others
Sometimes I look at blog posts and photos that come from other people (especially other young couples) and I wonder how the can be so good at life! I know so many couples that seem to have it all (at least compared to me). They have these nice apartments that they have decorated so nicely, they find jobs so easily, and they have the time and money to go on all these fabulous trips and adventures. I start to wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't seem to do these things.
The other thing that is hard with this is when I see pictures of my friends and how beautiful and accomplished they are. I start to think, "Why can't I control my eating and be skinny like that?" or "Why don't I have the energy and health to do great things with my life?"
Everyone else seems to be able to all these wonderful things, work 40 hours a week, and still look great. I start working 40 hours a week and stress myself out, come home and eat my emotions, watch movies, and still catch a cold from all the stress. My husband and I have a very crappy computer, a tiny (and I mean tiny) apartment, hand-me-down furniture, and jobs as janitors. We don't have much besides our sense of humor and a little bit of ambition.
If you've ever felt this way, just know that your aren't alone, I know exactly how it is to feel like that. If no one understands you, at least I will do the best I can to.
I remember once a year-and-a-half ago I was doing the whole looking at other people's facebook pages and blog and comparing them to me. I started complaining out loud to my roommate about how everyone was having such great lives and I wasn't. She just said "You are doing that comparing thing. You will never feel happy and good about yourself if you do that all the time. I think she knew that I knew it wasn't good for me to do that. Her statement has stuck with me, because it's true. And the thing about it is that it goes both ways. You won't be happy if you compare yourself to others saying that you are better than them either.
How do you get out of this habit? If I knew much about how to stop comparing yourself to others, it might not be such a problem to me.
I think a big part of overcoming this problem is reminding yourself that everyone is a human being, and we all have problems. What we show on the internet is usually the best parts of our lives, not the piles of dishes or the mundane tasks at work, or the fights we have with other people. If you want to know what is going on in someone's life, call them or talk to them in person. It's harder to get jealous when you hear a human voice or see a face.
The other side of self-esteem
Once my cousin said something about how the reason he is so loud, dramatic, and funny is that he totally fears rejection. He protects himself by being loud and making lots of jokes. When I heard that, I realized that I could completely relate to it. Often the people that seem the most confident, and in some cases, arrogant, are the ones with the lowest self-esteem. They alter or exaggerate their behavior to go with how they think people would like them best. They shield their hearts with their loud voices and boasting and jokes. I used to do this a lot as a teenager. But all it did was make me feel empty. I felt so sad that no one saw or understood me for who I really was, but now that I had made myself look and act a certain way, I felt that I either had to stick with the reputation I already had, or I had to build it up with even crazier behavior. Now I am over that, and life is better. But I know that it can be so hard to just be yourself, and I still have moments in life where I feel like I can't just be myself.
What helped me overcome this habit was realizing that giving of myself would bring me more happiness than trying to compel others to give me the attention I craved. Showing interest in other people and giving them attention will bring fulfillment and happiness. However, the key to success with this is not expecting anything back from the other people (except basic human respect). You aren't being sincere when you expect others to give compliments when you give them some. Just accept the fact that not everyone is going to be as thoughtful and caring as you. You'll be surprised at how much love you get when you give without restriction. Of course, you have to draw a line somewhere. If you feel like you are being walked all over, maybe you are giving too much. But a little selflessness goes a long way.
Negativity Hurts
They say for every negative thing you think or say toward someone, it'll takes 10 positive things from you to heal that hurt. Negativity can be a powerful, hurtful thing. Sometimes it drives me crazy to see how rampant cyber-bullying, back-talking, and general negative statements are. Just remember that when someone says something mean, it's almost always because they are hurting too.
I always hurt myself by saying negative things about myself, whether it's out loud or in my head. Everyone does that. I think it's something that we as humans have to battle our whole lives.
In the parenting class I help teach, we have homework for each week, and one of the homework assignments for the self-esteem weeks is to give yourself credit for something good every day. And you have to say it out loud. There is nothing wrong with saying "I sure got those dishes done fast!" or "Wow i was so productive today!" It's okay to acknowledge that you are a great person. As long as you aren't doing it to make yourself feel like you are better than other people. That's when pride creeps in.
Try to be patient with other people and avoid saying negative thing about them. The first step is to not participate when others are gossiping about people. You don't have to chastise them or anything, just don't join in.
Lastly, take care of yourself. Keep your body clean and healthy. If you need help, admit it and find it. It's just fine to ask others for help. I know it can be hard to find time to do fun things or develop your talents, but try to find a way to work those things into your life that bring you happiness. And be willing to learn. Learning feels so good when you are interested in the subject. Even if it's just Youtube tutorials.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A Quiet Mind, Part 2
“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself.”
-Zen Proverb
Have you ever just let a problem go? Did it fix itself? Last year, I was in therapy for anxiety, and I learned a very important lesson about quieting the mind. When I had anxious thoughts, I worried about them so much and I just wanted to fix those anxious thoughts, banish them and never let them return. But the more I tried to reason with the anxious thoughts, the worse my anxiety became.
In therapy, I learned to just stop caring so much about it. Those worries and thoughts weren't helping me, so why should I pay attention to them? I just learned to let the worries come, and then let them be. I learned that I don't have control over everything, but I can control my reactions, and my reactions can influence my situation for the better. There is a great peace of mind that comes when you realize you don't have to control everything, you just have to trust yourself to make the best choice regarding your situation. And a big part of trusting yourself is accepting that you'll have worries, but you don't have to dwell on them.
My Faith and A Quiet Mind
Part of what gives me peace of mind is knowing that God is there for me, and knows I have great potential for good. Knowing how God feels about me helps me feel love for others, and helps me feel more peaceful about my future.
Part of that peace comes from following God's Commandments and the guidance of the Gospel and the Holy Ghost. I've learned that when I am doing the right things with my everyday life, I will have more peace during bigger life changes or decisions, because my spirit will be strong from it's diet of study, prayer, and faith. Just like when you eat a diet of healthy foods, your body craves things that are good for you. When you are trying to be good and honest and faithful every day, you yourself with be drawn to things that will be a positive influence in your life and you will be safe from influences that can harm you. Soon you learn to have an inner peace and trust yourself. It's something you must work on every day, but that's the great part about it. You can slowly grow and adjust and improve, and knowing that it's a step-by-step process gives me great peace.
Trusting God brings that peace to a whole new level. Knowing that he only brings things into your life for your good makes you realize that the difficult times you have won't last forever, and those hardships will bring you blessings and strength you couldn't receive otherwise. Tell yourself to trust God. It takes practice. Accept that you won't be perfect at it and you will give yourself room to keep improving.
“In quiet places, reason abounds.” -Adlai Stevenson
Are there practical applications to practice quieting the mind? Of course! With all I have discussed, there are real-life things you can do to strengthen your peace of mind so you can process your relationships,, problems, anxiety, or faith more efficiently. Here are some things I have tried or want to try.
1. Tai Chi: The only time I experienced Tai Chi was when I was 15 and attended a workshop about it at a Choir Camp I was enrolled in. There was something wonderful about just focusing on the energy you have inside yourself and around you, and thinking of nothing else. Moving so slow and quietly brought my senses to full attention and made my mind clear and focused. I am signed up in a Tai Chi class for fall semester, and hopefully my schedule will be kind enough to me so I won't have to drop it. I really look foward to learning more.
2. A clean environment: Everyone has heard this, but it's so true. A clean living and working space helps free the mind. The best way I can explain this is with Autism. Autism Spectrum Disorder is just that- a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum is the severely autistic children, and at the other end is those with high functioning Asberger's. If you go further than that, you get ADHD, and then ADD, and then you eventually get to "normal", everyday people. Well guess what? A common symptom of ADD, ADHD, and Autism is that people with these "disorders" are highly affected by disorganized and cluttered environments. I personally think that is a sign of the fact that it's human nature to not be able to cope well mentally with a messy environment. Because we are ALL on the spectrum and are affected by many of the same, basic stimulants around us. Hopefully that makes sense and hopefully I haven't offended anyone, because in my experience with Austistic children, they really aren't a different "type" than the rest of the world, they just have different strengths and weaknesses than the Non-Autistic population.
3. Meditation: Visualizing, Listening to peaceful music, repeating an encouraging mantra, or whatever it is, it's important to take a few quiet moments for yourself every once and a while to just think or not think. My personal favorite way to meditate is by listening to beautiful instrumental music and dreaming about what my mutant powers would be. Or, just thinking about whatever positive thing I have to look forward to in life, my dreams, and the people I love.
4. Prayer and Temple Attendance, and Scripture Study: Developing that trusting relationship with God and reading His wise words along with the words of the prophets in history can be a great reminder of what this life is all about distract us from the troubles of the world we live in.
5. Nature: Being out in nature and seeing the beautiful things in the world is a great way to quiet the mind. You don't even have to think about it or meditate. Just go out somewhere with plants and dirt and sky and look around. The natural, beautiful design or the world brings peace to the senses.
6. Follow the Example of Uncle Iroh: Anyone watch Avatar: The Last Airbender? One of my favorite characters is the Uncle of Prince Zuko, and I realized why I admire him so much is because he makes the best of every situation he is in and doesn't fall apart when things go wrong. He still takes care of his health, is kind to those around him, and he knows who he is wan encourages other people to think through things calmly. I love that.
7. Express Yourself: Scrapbooking, Sports, Drawing, Dancing, Talking, Writing, Singing, whatever it is, just try to incorporate it into your life when you can. Include relationships in this. For me, it's makeup and creating my own accessories. Does it make you feel like you accomplished a little extra? Did it give you excercise? Did you bond with someone?
I'm not perfect at any of these, and it important to remember that you can't be unrealistic with yourself. I still want to learn more about meditation and quieting my mind, and hopefully I can share what I learn. But for now, I just hope I touched someone's heart today and helped them find a little more peace in their lives.
-Zen Proverb
Have you ever just let a problem go? Did it fix itself? Last year, I was in therapy for anxiety, and I learned a very important lesson about quieting the mind. When I had anxious thoughts, I worried about them so much and I just wanted to fix those anxious thoughts, banish them and never let them return. But the more I tried to reason with the anxious thoughts, the worse my anxiety became.
In therapy, I learned to just stop caring so much about it. Those worries and thoughts weren't helping me, so why should I pay attention to them? I just learned to let the worries come, and then let them be. I learned that I don't have control over everything, but I can control my reactions, and my reactions can influence my situation for the better. There is a great peace of mind that comes when you realize you don't have to control everything, you just have to trust yourself to make the best choice regarding your situation. And a big part of trusting yourself is accepting that you'll have worries, but you don't have to dwell on them.
My Faith and A Quiet Mind
Part of what gives me peace of mind is knowing that God is there for me, and knows I have great potential for good. Knowing how God feels about me helps me feel love for others, and helps me feel more peaceful about my future.
Part of that peace comes from following God's Commandments and the guidance of the Gospel and the Holy Ghost. I've learned that when I am doing the right things with my everyday life, I will have more peace during bigger life changes or decisions, because my spirit will be strong from it's diet of study, prayer, and faith. Just like when you eat a diet of healthy foods, your body craves things that are good for you. When you are trying to be good and honest and faithful every day, you yourself with be drawn to things that will be a positive influence in your life and you will be safe from influences that can harm you. Soon you learn to have an inner peace and trust yourself. It's something you must work on every day, but that's the great part about it. You can slowly grow and adjust and improve, and knowing that it's a step-by-step process gives me great peace.
Trusting God brings that peace to a whole new level. Knowing that he only brings things into your life for your good makes you realize that the difficult times you have won't last forever, and those hardships will bring you blessings and strength you couldn't receive otherwise. Tell yourself to trust God. It takes practice. Accept that you won't be perfect at it and you will give yourself room to keep improving.
“In quiet places, reason abounds.” -Adlai Stevenson
Are there practical applications to practice quieting the mind? Of course! With all I have discussed, there are real-life things you can do to strengthen your peace of mind so you can process your relationships,, problems, anxiety, or faith more efficiently. Here are some things I have tried or want to try.
1. Tai Chi: The only time I experienced Tai Chi was when I was 15 and attended a workshop about it at a Choir Camp I was enrolled in. There was something wonderful about just focusing on the energy you have inside yourself and around you, and thinking of nothing else. Moving so slow and quietly brought my senses to full attention and made my mind clear and focused. I am signed up in a Tai Chi class for fall semester, and hopefully my schedule will be kind enough to me so I won't have to drop it. I really look foward to learning more.
2. A clean environment: Everyone has heard this, but it's so true. A clean living and working space helps free the mind. The best way I can explain this is with Autism. Autism Spectrum Disorder is just that- a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum is the severely autistic children, and at the other end is those with high functioning Asberger's. If you go further than that, you get ADHD, and then ADD, and then you eventually get to "normal", everyday people. Well guess what? A common symptom of ADD, ADHD, and Autism is that people with these "disorders" are highly affected by disorganized and cluttered environments. I personally think that is a sign of the fact that it's human nature to not be able to cope well mentally with a messy environment. Because we are ALL on the spectrum and are affected by many of the same, basic stimulants around us. Hopefully that makes sense and hopefully I haven't offended anyone, because in my experience with Austistic children, they really aren't a different "type" than the rest of the world, they just have different strengths and weaknesses than the Non-Autistic population.
3. Meditation: Visualizing, Listening to peaceful music, repeating an encouraging mantra, or whatever it is, it's important to take a few quiet moments for yourself every once and a while to just think or not think. My personal favorite way to meditate is by listening to beautiful instrumental music and dreaming about what my mutant powers would be. Or, just thinking about whatever positive thing I have to look forward to in life, my dreams, and the people I love.
4. Prayer and Temple Attendance, and Scripture Study: Developing that trusting relationship with God and reading His wise words along with the words of the prophets in history can be a great reminder of what this life is all about distract us from the troubles of the world we live in.
5. Nature: Being out in nature and seeing the beautiful things in the world is a great way to quiet the mind. You don't even have to think about it or meditate. Just go out somewhere with plants and dirt and sky and look around. The natural, beautiful design or the world brings peace to the senses.
6. Follow the Example of Uncle Iroh: Anyone watch Avatar: The Last Airbender? One of my favorite characters is the Uncle of Prince Zuko, and I realized why I admire him so much is because he makes the best of every situation he is in and doesn't fall apart when things go wrong. He still takes care of his health, is kind to those around him, and he knows who he is wan encourages other people to think through things calmly. I love that.
7. Express Yourself: Scrapbooking, Sports, Drawing, Dancing, Talking, Writing, Singing, whatever it is, just try to incorporate it into your life when you can. Include relationships in this. For me, it's makeup and creating my own accessories. Does it make you feel like you accomplished a little extra? Did it give you excercise? Did you bond with someone?
I'm not perfect at any of these, and it important to remember that you can't be unrealistic with yourself. I still want to learn more about meditation and quieting my mind, and hopefully I can share what I learn. But for now, I just hope I touched someone's heart today and helped them find a little more peace in their lives.
A quiet mind Pt. 1
If I were to name anyone that has a quiet, peaceful mind in this world, I wouldn't point to myself. My mind is often racing and frantic, filled with worries and excuses and charts comparing pros and cons of every decision I have to make. However, lately I have have the ideas of developing the art of quieting the mind impressed upon me. Piece by piece, little lessons have been given me "Distilled as the dews from heaven", if you will) about why and how I should practice quieting my mind.
“Happiness means quiet nerves.”- W.C. Fields
I'm not going to say that a happy life is filled with quietness and peace. I do believe that every life is an adventure, and we must learn to embrace that. However, a balanced life with quiet moments will help us be better equipped with the ability to decide how happy we are. Here's an example:
I love to dance. Dance parties bring me a whole ton of joy. All that dancing just purges me of excess energy and emotion. After a good night out dancing, I love to turn on some quiet, orchestrated music and have a quiet conversation with a friend. When I am able to follow that type of routine, living with gusto and then giving myself time for sweet reflection or conversation, my mind feels balanced and i can truly grow from what I am experiencing. The more I grow, the more I am able to decide for myself how I will handle my emotions. I can decide I am happy.
Being Quiet in Relationships
In relationships, there are a couple different ways being quiet can help. One way is the quietness of acceptance. How many times do you see a parent or spouse being bothered by some little thing a family member does and they just HAVE to say something? Or what about when you feel hurt or wronged and you want to bounce back with a loud retort? Something in me recently has told me to stop that. I don't know how I learned it, but now when I want to nag a family member or tell someone off, I just stop myself and keep quiet. And it's been great. There are so many hurtful things I haven't said, because I just shut that little angry voice up and told myself that saying something negative wasn't going to change anything. Because it doesn't.
Just take a chance to accept things that aren't of urgent importance. If your friend is being insensitive, it is not your place to loudly disagree. Your place is to quietly stick to what you know is right, say kind words, and move on. Yes, sometimes we do need to stand up, fight back, etc. but sometimes just quietly moving on will get the point across.
Acceptance of your loved ones problems or flaws is a another part of being quiet in relationships. Remember, you can try to help, but you can't control or change a person. A soft, loving voice will help your children or spouse listen and change, not a loud, demanding voice. This concept of loving acceptance is one that social workers and therapists keep in their minds all the time to help them feel peace as they help others through their problems. Today I read about a woman's dramatic "Intervention meeting" held for her by her family, where they assertively expressed hurt and concern for her as she stayed in an abusive relationship. Instead of feeling loved and cared for, she felt like she needed to put up defenses against her family. What she needed was to be told that she was loved and accepted, bad decisions and all. If she had felt that quiet acceptance, she would probably be more willing to listen to the points her family was trying to make about her well-being.
Parents, children communicate their needs in many indirect ways, and it is up to parents to be quiet enough to pay attention to the cues their children give them. Perhaps your child is acting out because they are lacking in something they need, be it sleep, affection , or playtime. Or perhaps your child won't look up or they are talking less than usual. If you simplify and quiet your mind enough, you will be able to pay attention to these things and know that your children are in need of help and guidance.
Also, spending quiet time one-on-one with family members makes it easier to communicate needs and stresses.
Lastly, taking a moment to be quiet before a dealing with a relationship problem can help you clear you head and think about what you really need to say. This is something I am definitely not good at, but I am working on it. Often when I do this I realize how badly I need to humble myself and apologize, which then brings humility to the other party and everyone is happy.
“Happiness means quiet nerves.”- W.C. Fields
I'm not going to say that a happy life is filled with quietness and peace. I do believe that every life is an adventure, and we must learn to embrace that. However, a balanced life with quiet moments will help us be better equipped with the ability to decide how happy we are. Here's an example:
I love to dance. Dance parties bring me a whole ton of joy. All that dancing just purges me of excess energy and emotion. After a good night out dancing, I love to turn on some quiet, orchestrated music and have a quiet conversation with a friend. When I am able to follow that type of routine, living with gusto and then giving myself time for sweet reflection or conversation, my mind feels balanced and i can truly grow from what I am experiencing. The more I grow, the more I am able to decide for myself how I will handle my emotions. I can decide I am happy.
Being Quiet in Relationships
In relationships, there are a couple different ways being quiet can help. One way is the quietness of acceptance. How many times do you see a parent or spouse being bothered by some little thing a family member does and they just HAVE to say something? Or what about when you feel hurt or wronged and you want to bounce back with a loud retort? Something in me recently has told me to stop that. I don't know how I learned it, but now when I want to nag a family member or tell someone off, I just stop myself and keep quiet. And it's been great. There are so many hurtful things I haven't said, because I just shut that little angry voice up and told myself that saying something negative wasn't going to change anything. Because it doesn't.
Just take a chance to accept things that aren't of urgent importance. If your friend is being insensitive, it is not your place to loudly disagree. Your place is to quietly stick to what you know is right, say kind words, and move on. Yes, sometimes we do need to stand up, fight back, etc. but sometimes just quietly moving on will get the point across.
Acceptance of your loved ones problems or flaws is a another part of being quiet in relationships. Remember, you can try to help, but you can't control or change a person. A soft, loving voice will help your children or spouse listen and change, not a loud, demanding voice. This concept of loving acceptance is one that social workers and therapists keep in their minds all the time to help them feel peace as they help others through their problems. Today I read about a woman's dramatic "Intervention meeting" held for her by her family, where they assertively expressed hurt and concern for her as she stayed in an abusive relationship. Instead of feeling loved and cared for, she felt like she needed to put up defenses against her family. What she needed was to be told that she was loved and accepted, bad decisions and all. If she had felt that quiet acceptance, she would probably be more willing to listen to the points her family was trying to make about her well-being.
Parents, children communicate their needs in many indirect ways, and it is up to parents to be quiet enough to pay attention to the cues their children give them. Perhaps your child is acting out because they are lacking in something they need, be it sleep, affection , or playtime. Or perhaps your child won't look up or they are talking less than usual. If you simplify and quiet your mind enough, you will be able to pay attention to these things and know that your children are in need of help and guidance.
Also, spending quiet time one-on-one with family members makes it easier to communicate needs and stresses.
Lastly, taking a moment to be quiet before a dealing with a relationship problem can help you clear you head and think about what you really need to say. This is something I am definitely not good at, but I am working on it. Often when I do this I realize how badly I need to humble myself and apologize, which then brings humility to the other party and everyone is happy.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What's happening
Maybe I should say what goes on in my life currently:
I have been having lots and lots of fun with makeup. As usual. This is my makeup for when we went to the renaissance faire. I was a fairy, of course. It was really fun to do this makeup, but it took FOREVER.
This is supposed to be Mrs. Fox from Fantastic Mr. Fox. I designed it for a contest held by Lime Crime, an incredible makeup brand. I can't afford their lipsticks, but the colors are pretty awesome.
I just started my internship at the Child and Family Support Center. So far all I have done is helped out in the Crisis/Respite Nursery, which has been fun. Time goes by so quick when you play with kids. However, I have a lot more going on with the internship than playing with kids. I will be helping teach 3 classes: Stepfamilies, Anger Management for 7-9 year olds, and a parenting class held at the prison. Plus I might be coming along to some home visits. Whoo! And with everything I do, I have to incorporate art into it.
Craig is going to school for the summer. Perspectives in folklore and Calculus. It's going to be a busy summer for both of us.
I am job hunting yet again. My job ended right at the end of the semester, in fact, I worked for 11 hours at commencement and graduation for my last day. It was a long day. An old man threw up a lot. The bathrooms were dirty. The usual.
Jobs are so hard to come by around here, and plenty of the jobs I come across are very temporary; they are either for the school year or for the summer. I guess that's how it is in a town that revolves everything around a university.
Overall, we are doing well. Right now, Craig and I decided that we are obsessed with Avatar: The Last Airbender. We watch it every chance we get. Not the movie though, just the tv show. We haven't seen the movie.
I'm a little stressed about the transition to summer, with a new schedule and new challenges. Don't worry though, it's still freezing. It is very un-summer-like. It won't get scalding hot for a couple more weeks.
Oh yeah, guess what? I made progress in my cooking abilities. I made Plum Ginger Chicken! It was delicious. Better than Panda Express, according to Craig.
And, I had my craft fair. I sold like, 4 things. I think I made $10. Sad. But it was fun and I traded the other vendors for lots of cute accessories. Plus I got experience right? I spearheaded the whole event! That's pretty cool; someday that experience will pay off.
Lastly, I teach the Nursery at church. All that studying of infant development this past semester is being put to good use.
I have been having lots and lots of fun with makeup. As usual. This is my makeup for when we went to the renaissance faire. I was a fairy, of course. It was really fun to do this makeup, but it took FOREVER.
This is supposed to be Mrs. Fox from Fantastic Mr. Fox. I designed it for a contest held by Lime Crime, an incredible makeup brand. I can't afford their lipsticks, but the colors are pretty awesome.Craig is going to school for the summer. Perspectives in folklore and Calculus. It's going to be a busy summer for both of us.
I am job hunting yet again. My job ended right at the end of the semester, in fact, I worked for 11 hours at commencement and graduation for my last day. It was a long day. An old man threw up a lot. The bathrooms were dirty. The usual.
Jobs are so hard to come by around here, and plenty of the jobs I come across are very temporary; they are either for the school year or for the summer. I guess that's how it is in a town that revolves everything around a university.
Overall, we are doing well. Right now, Craig and I decided that we are obsessed with Avatar: The Last Airbender. We watch it every chance we get. Not the movie though, just the tv show. We haven't seen the movie.
I'm a little stressed about the transition to summer, with a new schedule and new challenges. Don't worry though, it's still freezing. It is very un-summer-like. It won't get scalding hot for a couple more weeks.
Oh yeah, guess what? I made progress in my cooking abilities. I made Plum Ginger Chicken! It was delicious. Better than Panda Express, according to Craig.
And, I had my craft fair. I sold like, 4 things. I think I made $10. Sad. But it was fun and I traded the other vendors for lots of cute accessories. Plus I got experience right? I spearheaded the whole event! That's pretty cool; someday that experience will pay off.
Lastly, I teach the Nursery at church. All that studying of infant development this past semester is being put to good use.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Disasters
When I was engaged last year, my life became a whirlwhind of stress, anger, and disaster.
There was a lot of fun, excitment, and joy too.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."-I guess that's a good way to put it.
So, for your entertainment, I am going to tell you all the crazy and bad things that happened before I made the biggest jump of my life thus far.
6 months before: Started having bad enough anxiety that I stopped denying the fact that I needed therapy. Way bad anxiety.
Also, started living with a strange roommate. Tension in the apartment skyrockets.
2 1/2 months before: Get strep throat literally hours after taking engagment photos. Which was during spring break.
1 month before: Depressive symptoms start kicking in as side effect from birth control. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I turned into a whole different person.
Also, sick again with a super bad cold.
2 weeks before: Seamstress messes up sizing on my dress, and this fact isn't realized until it's too late. Also, strange yellowed areas are found on the skirt of my dress. Yikes.
Best friend holds bridal shower for me and I somehow miss the detail that the shower is at my parents house until 15 minutes before said shower. House is a mess. I have to clean it.
1 week before: Still sick, and still trying to get dress figured out. During the past month, I am more stressed than ever before, and my mom and I pretty much hate each other. And I am not even going to go into the whole "Crap I need a job and don't have time to look!" thing.
Day of: I wake up, start to put on wedding breakfast outfit, and the zipper of my dress destroys itself. All of my other clothes are moved into my new apartment, which is 1 1/2 hours away from my parents house. None of my sisters are even close to my size. So, we go to Target.
Wedding breakfast makes me feel sick. But it's not too bad.
Craig's family tells strange and embarrasing stories about him, and because of my elevated state of anxiety all rational thought leaves me and I spend about the next half hour convinced I am marrying someone with major psychological problems.
On the way to the temple, it rains.
And then, we get into the temple. It's so beautiful and calm. Craig and I sit in the temple, talking, for about half an hour before our wedding ceremony. We talk about our dreams and how we want our life and home to be. We both can't stop smiling and crying as we sit together thinking about our life together and how much we love each other. We look at the beautiful paintings on the walls, and the beautiful flowers that are all over the place. And we both know that in that moment, we are just inches away from heaven.
I don't remember much of the ceremony, just that it was simple and beautiful. But sometimes Craig and I still get to experience those little moments of being inches from heaven, both at the temple and at home. He is such a blessing in my life.
Was being engaged the most difficult 6 months of my life? You betcha. Did I feel horrible, lonely, and anxious the whole time? Almost.
Do I feel better now? More than you can know!
Sometimes, when we are about to do something really amazingly good for our lives and the lives of others, lots of bad things happen to us. Call if what you will...adversity, satan, temptation...
But once we get through it, our lives will be so much more wonderful. My life is far from perfect, but being married to Craig makes it so much better than it was before.
You just can't be afraid. You have to push through the difficulties until you've completed your goal. You just have to trust yourself and God.
Oh, and the dress did end up working out, just so you know.
There was a lot of fun, excitment, and joy too.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."-I guess that's a good way to put it.
So, for your entertainment, I am going to tell you all the crazy and bad things that happened before I made the biggest jump of my life thus far.
6 months before: Started having bad enough anxiety that I stopped denying the fact that I needed therapy. Way bad anxiety.
Also, started living with a strange roommate. Tension in the apartment skyrockets.
2 1/2 months before: Get strep throat literally hours after taking engagment photos. Which was during spring break.
1 month before: Depressive symptoms start kicking in as side effect from birth control. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I turned into a whole different person.
Also, sick again with a super bad cold.
2 weeks before: Seamstress messes up sizing on my dress, and this fact isn't realized until it's too late. Also, strange yellowed areas are found on the skirt of my dress. Yikes.
Best friend holds bridal shower for me and I somehow miss the detail that the shower is at my parents house until 15 minutes before said shower. House is a mess. I have to clean it.
1 week before: Still sick, and still trying to get dress figured out. During the past month, I am more stressed than ever before, and my mom and I pretty much hate each other. And I am not even going to go into the whole "Crap I need a job and don't have time to look!" thing.
Day of: I wake up, start to put on wedding breakfast outfit, and the zipper of my dress destroys itself. All of my other clothes are moved into my new apartment, which is 1 1/2 hours away from my parents house. None of my sisters are even close to my size. So, we go to Target.
Wedding breakfast makes me feel sick. But it's not too bad.
Craig's family tells strange and embarrasing stories about him, and because of my elevated state of anxiety all rational thought leaves me and I spend about the next half hour convinced I am marrying someone with major psychological problems.
On the way to the temple, it rains.
And then, we get into the temple. It's so beautiful and calm. Craig and I sit in the temple, talking, for about half an hour before our wedding ceremony. We talk about our dreams and how we want our life and home to be. We both can't stop smiling and crying as we sit together thinking about our life together and how much we love each other. We look at the beautiful paintings on the walls, and the beautiful flowers that are all over the place. And we both know that in that moment, we are just inches away from heaven.
I don't remember much of the ceremony, just that it was simple and beautiful. But sometimes Craig and I still get to experience those little moments of being inches from heaven, both at the temple and at home. He is such a blessing in my life.
Was being engaged the most difficult 6 months of my life? You betcha. Did I feel horrible, lonely, and anxious the whole time? Almost.
Do I feel better now? More than you can know!
Sometimes, when we are about to do something really amazingly good for our lives and the lives of others, lots of bad things happen to us. Call if what you will...adversity, satan, temptation...
But once we get through it, our lives will be so much more wonderful. My life is far from perfect, but being married to Craig makes it so much better than it was before.
You just can't be afraid. You have to push through the difficulties until you've completed your goal. You just have to trust yourself and God.
Oh, and the dress did end up working out, just so you know.
Friday, April 8, 2011
A little glance into my adolescent life
Adolescence is a very fascinating time to be alive. Right now, taking a class on adolescent development has been such a great little reminder of all the "fun" times I had. Today we talked about achievement and motivation in adolescence...and I was reminded of this experience.
When I was 13, I was highly involved with a group of homeschooled students (if you didn't know already, yes, I was homeschooled) that overlapped in extra-curricular activities. We were involved in a club called "Minutemen" (learning about government, money management, and politics), a book club (I know, classic homeschool..) and a learning co-op that covered several non-core subjects each week.
Well, there was this one girl in all of these groups that was my age. She was a golden child. A high achiever. She was not only smart, but popular, among both peers and adults.
This girl was classy. She wore nice, button-up shirts, jeans, and necklaces. She had an oh-so-grownup layered hair cut that was brushed neatly and straight every day. She was skinny and tall. I remember one time we had a pizza party to celebrate a great run with the "Mock Trial" competition we had participated in. She was the center of attention. She got compliments on the ither girls for her long, slender torso and her cute clothes. Really, she didn't look like she was 13. I think she could have passed for 16. At that party, I stood there awkwardly, thinking, "But wait! I have a long torso and I am not getting any compliments!!"
Ok, so she looked classy. But she was also smart. One time we had a history project where we had to write a diary entry as if we were gorwing up in the 1700's. I wrote a one-page entry about, I dunno, milking cows or something. Her entry was probably 3 pages long. It took her like 10 minutes to read it in front of the group. It was rich with detail and historically accurate events. She also seemed to pay attention really well in long lectures (which the minutmen class was full of) and always took notes.
All the grownups loved her because she was so studious and answered questions without stumbling. She also behaved well and knew when to listen and when to talk. To an adult, she was the goal of what a homeschooled child should be. And she treated me like I was 5 years younger than her.
Then there was me. I was short. And definitely chubby. At 13, I was experiementing with fashion a lot, but I basically wore a lot of purple and wierd hair clips. my hair was a scraggly mess that I thought I could put into a decent bun. And the bangs...ohhh boy. They were thin (because thick, straight across bangs werent cool anymore) and the thiness resulted in stringiness hanging limp above my eyes. Then, I let long strands of hair hang by either side of my face because it surely would make me look like an anime character.
Brain-wise, my lightbulb was a little..flickery. I had a hard time paying attention in lectures, and drew flowers and animals I had invented all over my notes. I was conscious that the world around me was my "audience", and so I behaved in a theatrical way. I wasn't confident, and I probably annoyed most adults I cam in contact with. A lot of the time, I felt awkward around the other kids and played with my younger sister's friends or any available animals. All in all, I was *wiggles fingers* different.
But I had fun. When our co-op went to the park, I excitedly went straight for the playground and played in my own little world. She was resonsible and helped the babies play. That was an awesome playground, by the way. Though I was self-conscious, all those little drawings and daydreams I had during lectures everntually developed into a rich network of inspirations for design..something practical I can use for design now. I know how to interact with children without being condescending, because I can now relate to that feeling. I'm still awkward sometimes, but now I know that everyone feels that way, and you are much happier when you just embrace it.
If I would have just tried to fit in and be like her, I would have been bored out of my mind.
When I was 13, I was highly involved with a group of homeschooled students (if you didn't know already, yes, I was homeschooled) that overlapped in extra-curricular activities. We were involved in a club called "Minutemen" (learning about government, money management, and politics), a book club (I know, classic homeschool..) and a learning co-op that covered several non-core subjects each week.
Well, there was this one girl in all of these groups that was my age. She was a golden child. A high achiever. She was not only smart, but popular, among both peers and adults.
This girl was classy. She wore nice, button-up shirts, jeans, and necklaces. She had an oh-so-grownup layered hair cut that was brushed neatly and straight every day. She was skinny and tall. I remember one time we had a pizza party to celebrate a great run with the "Mock Trial" competition we had participated in. She was the center of attention. She got compliments on the ither girls for her long, slender torso and her cute clothes. Really, she didn't look like she was 13. I think she could have passed for 16. At that party, I stood there awkwardly, thinking, "But wait! I have a long torso and I am not getting any compliments!!"
Ok, so she looked classy. But she was also smart. One time we had a history project where we had to write a diary entry as if we were gorwing up in the 1700's. I wrote a one-page entry about, I dunno, milking cows or something. Her entry was probably 3 pages long. It took her like 10 minutes to read it in front of the group. It was rich with detail and historically accurate events. She also seemed to pay attention really well in long lectures (which the minutmen class was full of) and always took notes.
All the grownups loved her because she was so studious and answered questions without stumbling. She also behaved well and knew when to listen and when to talk. To an adult, she was the goal of what a homeschooled child should be. And she treated me like I was 5 years younger than her.
Then there was me. I was short. And definitely chubby. At 13, I was experiementing with fashion a lot, but I basically wore a lot of purple and wierd hair clips. my hair was a scraggly mess that I thought I could put into a decent bun. And the bangs...ohhh boy. They were thin (because thick, straight across bangs werent cool anymore) and the thiness resulted in stringiness hanging limp above my eyes. Then, I let long strands of hair hang by either side of my face because it surely would make me look like an anime character.
Brain-wise, my lightbulb was a little..flickery. I had a hard time paying attention in lectures, and drew flowers and animals I had invented all over my notes. I was conscious that the world around me was my "audience", and so I behaved in a theatrical way. I wasn't confident, and I probably annoyed most adults I cam in contact with. A lot of the time, I felt awkward around the other kids and played with my younger sister's friends or any available animals. All in all, I was *wiggles fingers* different.
But I had fun. When our co-op went to the park, I excitedly went straight for the playground and played in my own little world. She was resonsible and helped the babies play. That was an awesome playground, by the way. Though I was self-conscious, all those little drawings and daydreams I had during lectures everntually developed into a rich network of inspirations for design..something practical I can use for design now. I know how to interact with children without being condescending, because I can now relate to that feeling. I'm still awkward sometimes, but now I know that everyone feels that way, and you are much happier when you just embrace it.
If I would have just tried to fit in and be like her, I would have been bored out of my mind.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Cooking
If you know me, you know that I love food. I eat like a bear getting ready to hibernate. In fact, the colder the weather, the more bear-like I become in my eating habits.
Since starting college, that hunger has probably quadrupled. I snack in almost all of my classes...learning just makes me so completely hungry! Part of the reason I snack is to keep me awake. Because when it is cold and dark during an 8:30 am class, sleep is pretty much unavaiodable for me, even if I got plenty of sleep the night before. Like a said, I am pretty much a bear. It's amazing that I am not overweight.
Despite my ravenous hunger, I have very little ability to cook. In fact, I pretty much got last place in the gene pool when it comes to cooking. Most of my six sisters can cook pretty well. A couple of them are amazing cooks, and one of them even makes up her own healthy and delicous recipes. They seem to find some kind of satisfaction and joy in cooking. I just find joy in watching cooking shows. I mean, come on, I've messed up Easy Mac. Reading recipes confuses me.
My husband, Craig, does most of the cooking around our apartment. Lucky for me, he inherited a vast amount of great cooking genes from both sides of his family. His grandma on his mom's side makes some of the best foods I have ever had-such as the amazing quiche I devoured last time I visited. His dad and is brother are barbeque experts, not to mention great at making almost anything else. His mom makes perfect fajitas and roast. So Craig is very talented. I never liked oatmeal until he made some. Almost everything he makes is perfect and amazing.
However, because we can't afford to keep our freezer stocked with things like microwave burritos and tv dinners, I have to cook to survive every once and a while.
Here are some improvements I have made since getting married:
-Today, I made 2 lovely over-easy eggs without ruining them for the first time. These eggs have rendered me to tears before, but today they didn't burn, stick to the pan, or break.
-I now remember to put the pasta in the water AFTER the water reaches a boil.
-I made mashed potatoes from scratch and they were actually good.
-I also made steak a couple times. I hate using the stove though. I almost always burn myself when cooking over the stove...
Well, that's about it. In my defense, I can make amazing chocolate chip cookies, and my from-scratch pasta sauce is pretty good too.
Since starting college, that hunger has probably quadrupled. I snack in almost all of my classes...learning just makes me so completely hungry! Part of the reason I snack is to keep me awake. Because when it is cold and dark during an 8:30 am class, sleep is pretty much unavaiodable for me, even if I got plenty of sleep the night before. Like a said, I am pretty much a bear. It's amazing that I am not overweight.
Despite my ravenous hunger, I have very little ability to cook. In fact, I pretty much got last place in the gene pool when it comes to cooking. Most of my six sisters can cook pretty well. A couple of them are amazing cooks, and one of them even makes up her own healthy and delicous recipes. They seem to find some kind of satisfaction and joy in cooking. I just find joy in watching cooking shows. I mean, come on, I've messed up Easy Mac. Reading recipes confuses me.
My husband, Craig, does most of the cooking around our apartment. Lucky for me, he inherited a vast amount of great cooking genes from both sides of his family. His grandma on his mom's side makes some of the best foods I have ever had-such as the amazing quiche I devoured last time I visited. His dad and is brother are barbeque experts, not to mention great at making almost anything else. His mom makes perfect fajitas and roast. So Craig is very talented. I never liked oatmeal until he made some. Almost everything he makes is perfect and amazing.
However, because we can't afford to keep our freezer stocked with things like microwave burritos and tv dinners, I have to cook to survive every once and a while.
Here are some improvements I have made since getting married:
-Today, I made 2 lovely over-easy eggs without ruining them for the first time. These eggs have rendered me to tears before, but today they didn't burn, stick to the pan, or break.
-I now remember to put the pasta in the water AFTER the water reaches a boil.
-I made mashed potatoes from scratch and they were actually good.
-I also made steak a couple times. I hate using the stove though. I almost always burn myself when cooking over the stove...
Well, that's about it. In my defense, I can make amazing chocolate chip cookies, and my from-scratch pasta sauce is pretty good too.
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