When I was engaged last year, my life became a whirlwhind of stress, anger, and disaster.
There was a lot of fun, excitment, and joy too.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."-I guess that's a good way to put it.
So, for your entertainment, I am going to tell you all the crazy and bad things that happened before I made the biggest jump of my life thus far.
6 months before: Started having bad enough anxiety that I stopped denying the fact that I needed therapy. Way bad anxiety.
Also, started living with a strange roommate. Tension in the apartment skyrockets.
2 1/2 months before: Get strep throat literally hours after taking engagment photos. Which was during spring break.
1 month before: Depressive symptoms start kicking in as side effect from birth control. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I turned into a whole different person.
Also, sick again with a super bad cold.
2 weeks before: Seamstress messes up sizing on my dress, and this fact isn't realized until it's too late. Also, strange yellowed areas are found on the skirt of my dress. Yikes.
Best friend holds bridal shower for me and I somehow miss the detail that the shower is at my parents house until 15 minutes before said shower. House is a mess. I have to clean it.
1 week before: Still sick, and still trying to get dress figured out. During the past month, I am more stressed than ever before, and my mom and I pretty much hate each other. And I am not even going to go into the whole "Crap I need a job and don't have time to look!" thing.
Day of: I wake up, start to put on wedding breakfast outfit, and the zipper of my dress destroys itself. All of my other clothes are moved into my new apartment, which is 1 1/2 hours away from my parents house. None of my sisters are even close to my size. So, we go to Target.
Wedding breakfast makes me feel sick. But it's not too bad.
Craig's family tells strange and embarrasing stories about him, and because of my elevated state of anxiety all rational thought leaves me and I spend about the next half hour convinced I am marrying someone with major psychological problems.
On the way to the temple, it rains.
And then, we get into the temple. It's so beautiful and calm. Craig and I sit in the temple, talking, for about half an hour before our wedding ceremony. We talk about our dreams and how we want our life and home to be. We both can't stop smiling and crying as we sit together thinking about our life together and how much we love each other. We look at the beautiful paintings on the walls, and the beautiful flowers that are all over the place. And we both know that in that moment, we are just inches away from heaven.
I don't remember much of the ceremony, just that it was simple and beautiful. But sometimes Craig and I still get to experience those little moments of being inches from heaven, both at the temple and at home. He is such a blessing in my life.
Was being engaged the most difficult 6 months of my life? You betcha. Did I feel horrible, lonely, and anxious the whole time? Almost.
Do I feel better now? More than you can know!
Sometimes, when we are about to do something really amazingly good for our lives and the lives of others, lots of bad things happen to us. Call if what you will...adversity, satan, temptation...
But once we get through it, our lives will be so much more wonderful. My life is far from perfect, but being married to Craig makes it so much better than it was before.
You just can't be afraid. You have to push through the difficulties until you've completed your goal. You just have to trust yourself and God.
Oh, and the dress did end up working out, just so you know.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
A little glance into my adolescent life
Adolescence is a very fascinating time to be alive. Right now, taking a class on adolescent development has been such a great little reminder of all the "fun" times I had. Today we talked about achievement and motivation in adolescence...and I was reminded of this experience.
When I was 13, I was highly involved with a group of homeschooled students (if you didn't know already, yes, I was homeschooled) that overlapped in extra-curricular activities. We were involved in a club called "Minutemen" (learning about government, money management, and politics), a book club (I know, classic homeschool..) and a learning co-op that covered several non-core subjects each week.
Well, there was this one girl in all of these groups that was my age. She was a golden child. A high achiever. She was not only smart, but popular, among both peers and adults.
This girl was classy. She wore nice, button-up shirts, jeans, and necklaces. She had an oh-so-grownup layered hair cut that was brushed neatly and straight every day. She was skinny and tall. I remember one time we had a pizza party to celebrate a great run with the "Mock Trial" competition we had participated in. She was the center of attention. She got compliments on the ither girls for her long, slender torso and her cute clothes. Really, she didn't look like she was 13. I think she could have passed for 16. At that party, I stood there awkwardly, thinking, "But wait! I have a long torso and I am not getting any compliments!!"
Ok, so she looked classy. But she was also smart. One time we had a history project where we had to write a diary entry as if we were gorwing up in the 1700's. I wrote a one-page entry about, I dunno, milking cows or something. Her entry was probably 3 pages long. It took her like 10 minutes to read it in front of the group. It was rich with detail and historically accurate events. She also seemed to pay attention really well in long lectures (which the minutmen class was full of) and always took notes.
All the grownups loved her because she was so studious and answered questions without stumbling. She also behaved well and knew when to listen and when to talk. To an adult, she was the goal of what a homeschooled child should be. And she treated me like I was 5 years younger than her.
Then there was me. I was short. And definitely chubby. At 13, I was experiementing with fashion a lot, but I basically wore a lot of purple and wierd hair clips. my hair was a scraggly mess that I thought I could put into a decent bun. And the bangs...ohhh boy. They were thin (because thick, straight across bangs werent cool anymore) and the thiness resulted in stringiness hanging limp above my eyes. Then, I let long strands of hair hang by either side of my face because it surely would make me look like an anime character.
Brain-wise, my lightbulb was a little..flickery. I had a hard time paying attention in lectures, and drew flowers and animals I had invented all over my notes. I was conscious that the world around me was my "audience", and so I behaved in a theatrical way. I wasn't confident, and I probably annoyed most adults I cam in contact with. A lot of the time, I felt awkward around the other kids and played with my younger sister's friends or any available animals. All in all, I was *wiggles fingers* different.
But I had fun. When our co-op went to the park, I excitedly went straight for the playground and played in my own little world. She was resonsible and helped the babies play. That was an awesome playground, by the way. Though I was self-conscious, all those little drawings and daydreams I had during lectures everntually developed into a rich network of inspirations for design..something practical I can use for design now. I know how to interact with children without being condescending, because I can now relate to that feeling. I'm still awkward sometimes, but now I know that everyone feels that way, and you are much happier when you just embrace it.
If I would have just tried to fit in and be like her, I would have been bored out of my mind.
When I was 13, I was highly involved with a group of homeschooled students (if you didn't know already, yes, I was homeschooled) that overlapped in extra-curricular activities. We were involved in a club called "Minutemen" (learning about government, money management, and politics), a book club (I know, classic homeschool..) and a learning co-op that covered several non-core subjects each week.
Well, there was this one girl in all of these groups that was my age. She was a golden child. A high achiever. She was not only smart, but popular, among both peers and adults.
This girl was classy. She wore nice, button-up shirts, jeans, and necklaces. She had an oh-so-grownup layered hair cut that was brushed neatly and straight every day. She was skinny and tall. I remember one time we had a pizza party to celebrate a great run with the "Mock Trial" competition we had participated in. She was the center of attention. She got compliments on the ither girls for her long, slender torso and her cute clothes. Really, she didn't look like she was 13. I think she could have passed for 16. At that party, I stood there awkwardly, thinking, "But wait! I have a long torso and I am not getting any compliments!!"
Ok, so she looked classy. But she was also smart. One time we had a history project where we had to write a diary entry as if we were gorwing up in the 1700's. I wrote a one-page entry about, I dunno, milking cows or something. Her entry was probably 3 pages long. It took her like 10 minutes to read it in front of the group. It was rich with detail and historically accurate events. She also seemed to pay attention really well in long lectures (which the minutmen class was full of) and always took notes.
All the grownups loved her because she was so studious and answered questions without stumbling. She also behaved well and knew when to listen and when to talk. To an adult, she was the goal of what a homeschooled child should be. And she treated me like I was 5 years younger than her.
Then there was me. I was short. And definitely chubby. At 13, I was experiementing with fashion a lot, but I basically wore a lot of purple and wierd hair clips. my hair was a scraggly mess that I thought I could put into a decent bun. And the bangs...ohhh boy. They were thin (because thick, straight across bangs werent cool anymore) and the thiness resulted in stringiness hanging limp above my eyes. Then, I let long strands of hair hang by either side of my face because it surely would make me look like an anime character.
Brain-wise, my lightbulb was a little..flickery. I had a hard time paying attention in lectures, and drew flowers and animals I had invented all over my notes. I was conscious that the world around me was my "audience", and so I behaved in a theatrical way. I wasn't confident, and I probably annoyed most adults I cam in contact with. A lot of the time, I felt awkward around the other kids and played with my younger sister's friends or any available animals. All in all, I was *wiggles fingers* different.
But I had fun. When our co-op went to the park, I excitedly went straight for the playground and played in my own little world. She was resonsible and helped the babies play. That was an awesome playground, by the way. Though I was self-conscious, all those little drawings and daydreams I had during lectures everntually developed into a rich network of inspirations for design..something practical I can use for design now. I know how to interact with children without being condescending, because I can now relate to that feeling. I'm still awkward sometimes, but now I know that everyone feels that way, and you are much happier when you just embrace it.
If I would have just tried to fit in and be like her, I would have been bored out of my mind.
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