Personal Commandments

I am currently reading a wonderful book called "Happier at Home" written by Gretchen Rubin. It is the sequel to her book "The Happiness Project" (which I have actually not read, but want to), and I must tell you it is a wonderful book. It's made me think a lot about the small changes I can make to maximize happiness and peace in my life. I love the way Gretchen writes this book not to be instructions or a guide, but more like a journal of her experiences and a discussion to get you thinking. I like that I don't feel like I am being told the answers to happiness by this book (because the answers aren't the same for everyone), but I AM drawing plenty of inspiration and ideas from her experiences. And sometimes I just plain-old try to copy what I read.

One thing I read about in "Happier at Home" that i want to try and copy is the idea of making your own set of "Personal Commandments". Gretchen details her list of personal commandments in her writing, but it seems to me the personal commandments aren't just goals, and the are more than resolutions. To me, my personal commandments are more like habits that I want to cultivate for the rest of my life. What I love about them is that they are personal. They can be whatever I want them to be. If I want to change them over time, I can, because they are mine! So here is the set of personal commandments (so far):

1. Be Brynn
Gretchen's first commandment is to "Be Gretchen" and what a wonderful thing it is to be yourself and nobody else. So I just want to first and foremost "Be Brynn". I want to act like myself, want thing I want, and not get distracted by trying to be someone else.

2. Embrace Opportunities for Gratitude and Generosity
Don't skip baby showers, Send out Christmas cards, give thank you notes, look for people in need of a small act of service, etc. etc. etc. and count your blessings. Those sorts of things. When I first got married a few years ago I was just about the least thoughtful person I could possibly be (but part of that was because I was the one sorely in need of service), but now I am ready to be the generous one.

3. Say "I love you" to Husband and Child(ren) Each Day
Because you can never say it enough!

4. Choose Food for Nutrients
Enough counting calories and worrying about fat and carbs. Food is not the enemy. Dieting in the traditional sense of the word is not healthy or sustainable throughout life. I decided about a year ago that I am not going to focus on cutting bad things out or focusing on what I shouldn't have, but instead, work on bringing more good things in. The more good things I eat the less room I have for junk food. So now I deliberately think about the nutrients in the food I choose. Does it have plenty of complex carbs? Fiber? Protein? Omega-3s? Betacarotene? Lycopene?  I want to make a change in my health that I can have as a habit for as long as I live, so instead of focusing on losing extra weight quick or cutting things out, I am focusing on feeding myself healthy foods in a way that I can enjoy. Yeah, I still have junk food sometimes, but at least I am looking for the best food the rest of the time.

p.s. If you haven't seen the documentary "Hungry for Change", I highly recommend it.  It was a source of inspiration for this commandment.

5. Speak Up
Speak up when someone says my name wrong. Speak up when someone I love crosses boundaries and upsets me. Speak up against people saying awful, mean things. Speak up when I feel someone hasn't given me due credit. My inability to stand up for myself has been a curse my whole life! It's time to change that.

6. Respond with Love
Whenever a problem comes up with my husband or children, how can I respond to the problem and solve it in the most loving way possible? This is a hard one. Sometimes I focus more on teaching a lesson than growing a family.

7. Let Creativity and Problem Solving Happen as Slowly or Quickly as They Like
Not inspired to paint? Then don't paint. Not sure what to write in that email? Wait an hour and see if it makes more sense after that. Sometimes it is perfectly okay to let something sit for a while and let your subconscious work on it.

8. Practice Trust in Yourself and the Spirit
This is the hardest commandment. I always hear these amazing stories of spiritual experiences that happen to people when faced with a big decision. These people have these amazing feelings of peace and love, distinct instructions and words of comfort, all because they prayed and studied and had faith. But the thing is, those things don't really happen to me. It was a big, frustrating struggle for a while. Why couldn't I get an answer to anything? How was I supposed to know where to go, who to marry, etc. etc. etc. But I have slowly realized that maybe that's just not what it's supposed to be like for me, ever. I think that one of my weaknesses is drowning myself in anxiety and not trusting myself and my own abilities (including my ability to follow the Spirit), and God knows that and wants me to learn and get plenty of practice, so he lets me struggle on my own.
When I decided to marry Craig, there was no warm feeling, fantastic revelation, or strong spiritual experience. I had plenty of doubts. In the end I had to just go with what I thought was a good thing to do and have faith that things would work out. And it did work out wonderfully. Eventually I did get that confirmation that I was doing what's right. And guess what? It was the exact same way for choosing a major, deciding where to move, and so on. All my big decisions I have made I just had to just go for it, with no strong feelings telling me what direction to go in. And eventually, little by little, I learned that I did, in fact, make the right decision and that God was watching over me the whole time.

9. Be a Durable Object
This one is all about keeping your cool in the midst of conflict. Working with children, you have to be a durable object. When a toddler has a tantrum, you can get through it as a durable object. When someone tells you a big shocker, first react by being a durable object.  Durable objects are still, solid, determined, and quiet. I have had enough experiences that it's easier to be the durable object as opposed to the stick of dynamite or the crushable plastic water bottle.

10. Be Active to Enjoy Your Body
Don't be active for any of these reasons: looks, scale numbers, trophies, accomplishments.
Do be active for these reasons: Health, fun, bonding with family and friends, enjoying nature, giving myself more energy and endurance, appreciating what my body can do.

This was a long one. If you made it to the end, give yourself a thumbs up. And if you want, consider what your personal commandments might be.

p.s. http://www.amazon.com/Happier-Home-Experiments-Practice-Hardcover/dp/B00BR9WXGC/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1408643318&sr=8-4&keywords=happier+at+home

Parenting. It's like that fable where the guy tries to please everyone and the donkey drowns.

Ok, so I went out to lunch with a friend last week and we got talking about parenting. She doesn't have kids yet, and was asking me a little bit about my experience. We talked about how there are so many different views, so many expectations, and SO many articles, blogs, pins, and plenty of unsolicited advice out there. Can you be a good parent without having to research, read, and heed everything? Why does everybody have to share their opinions on everything parenting? Why the mommy wars?

I stumbled through this conversation with lots of phrases like "yes, do research" "but only if you want to" "as long as your baby is loved and safe" and "I'm sure you will be a great mom". I wasn't very eloquent, and barely got any point across. So I will write out my thoughts on this subject, hopefully a little more eloquently than in conversation.

I have to admit, I am actually very opinionated about many things pertaining to parenting and child development. It's hard not to be when you studied child development in school and you work with  kids all of the time. Child development is my passion! Parenting and teaching are my true callings! So of course I am very opinionated! How could I not be? 

I try to hide it a little because I also believe in not getting in people's business. I want to respect other people's decisions. I don't want to judge (even though I do. A lot.)! 

So what do you do? Do you read all of the articles? Follow all of the advice? Give in to all of the pressure society puts on already stressed out parents? Can you be a good parent without planning and researching every little thing?

Well, here's what I think:

I am a big believer that knowledge is power. I have spent a lot of time reading pinning, listening, and learning about anything and everything parenting, and I don't regret it. I am grateful for every class I took on human development in college. I have gained so much insight from articles and blogs since having a baby. I realize that not everybody can major in child development or pin every little activity idea, but any knowledge you can gain is going to help you make a more informed decision. I've read about a lot of different views and methods-some obviously will clash. But that's a good thing! Take what you like and throw away what you don't! At least you know your options. Much of the knowledge I have gained has made me more confident and my journey as a parent easier!

Being a parent is really hard. I love it and enjoy it most of the time, but there are some mind-boggling, difficult obstacles for every parent. I personally feel like I am making life more simple for myself when I have an arsenal of ideas and solutions to start with. I feel like the more deliberate and thoughtful I am as a parent, the more problems I avoid. Part of that deliberate thinking is doing my research and learning  as much I can. 

So yeah, planning out your parenting techniques and gaining lots of knowledge is wonderful. But there's another side to this coin.

When you are a parent, you have to be flexible. You also become the expert on your baby as an individual. Sometimes instinct trumps education and grand plans. There have been quite a few instances in my journey as a parent already where I have done the research and not followed it because my baby's cues and my instincts told me to go in a different direction. And that was great too! Often as a mom you just know, you know? And it doesn't matter what anyone else says. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and be flexible.

So what? Are you supposed to try and balance the neuroses of learning and planning with the impulsiveness of following instincts and cues? It's really more like harmonizing. Gain some knowledge from solid sources and then let your instincts go from there. Luckily for me, parenting is a step-by step process. I am glad I started with a base of knowledge, but I have learned quite a bit as I have gone along as well.

We don't have to war over different opinions and techniques. There are so many ways to raise happy, well adjusted children. What matters most is that you are present, you are learning, you are listening to your baby, and you are doing your best. As long as you are full of unconditional love for your child and are willing to be fully invested, you will be a great parent.

These times are a treasure.

My goodness. It's been a long time since I posted. What can I say? I am just not huge into blogging. Maybe someday I will be.

Anyway, today I wanted to write about the joys of having a little child. The joys of being a mom. Because it is a joy.

Today I was thinking about what a special time I am experiencing in my life right now. My first baby is 3 months old. I am not too overwhelmed or busy, but I have enough going on to keep me on my toes and full of purpose. I have lots of quiet mornings and afternoons filled with so many little things. Reading stories, singing songs, playing, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, feeding my baby...these are the types of things that fill my days. I also work at an after school program where I can help children in tough situations, and I am so grateful for that opportunity. 

Today I couldn't help but feel so grateful as I put my sleepy, happy baby down for a nap and started working on some chores. As I checked on her I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked. She has these chubby, rosy cheeks that I just love. And her long little eyelashes are just so pretty! And I thought about how grateful I am for such a happy, healthy baby while I started washing the dishes.

Ok, so now some of you may be feeling like. "Is this girl for real? What kind of fantasy world is she living in?" This is no fantasy, or the declarations of a naive little girl. This is really how I feel. 

I know that this time in my life is such a small dot on a big timeline. I won't always have these quiet afternoons full of cuddles with a sweet little baby! This is a once in a lifetime experience! Eventually, I will have more to juggle, more worries, more complications. And when that happens, I will embrace the challenges and try my best, but for now, I am just so grateful for what I have.

My life isn't super extraordinary or perfect. We are butt poor (yes butt poor is what I said), and I have unrealized dreams of travel and hobbies that I don't know when I will have the time or money for. I also feel like I will never catch up on chores (good thing I enjoy cleaning) and my social life...lets just say loneliness is a feeling I am familiar with.

But this time of my life is a treasure to me. Little babies are precious little packages of love. It's true! As I held my little girl tonight right before bedtime, she gave me the cutest little smile and squeal and I knew she knows what love is and how to feel it. And she knows I love her. And I thought about how what I do right now is setting up the way she thinks; the attitude she has about life. What an incredible amount of purpose and importance a mother has!

The challenges you may face as a new mom are mostly temporary, and so are the  joys. So soak in every minute as much as you can. Whatever your situation may be as a mom, you are incredibly important to your baby. You are the center of their world. You make all the difference in your baby's life! Enjoy it! Be grateful for such a wonderful opportunity. It is truly a unique treasure. Any sacrifices you make for this treasure are worth it, because you are the star in the life of a new human being! Nothing is more divine, more full of purpose than parenthood.

I've been listening to a lot of great podcasts lately, and in one interview a woman was talking about what drove her to open a hostel for travelers in Canada. She said her heart just wasn't "bursting" an she knew she needed to start something new in her life. I love that idea of knowing that you are living at your best when you feel your heart bursting. Motherhood makes my heart burst!

I know I can steadily and diligently work towards my goals of travel and all of the other things I want to accomplish. But for now, I will focus on loving my baby and enjoying this moment in time, because she is the star of my show, this time is my treasure, and my heart is bursting!