You have what you need.

You know how a few posts ago I wrote about having depression? Well, here is a little update+some things I have learned.

My depression has lessened quite a bit. As long as I maintain the good habits I have developed, I am fine. If I forget to take my meds or get into a negative thinking rut, it's not so good. But I can recover from it. That's the great thing about life-everything is temporary. You can get over things. There is constant renewal and change in life, whether we want it or not. All we have control over is what we do with that change.

Something I have been taught recently is that deep down inside, we all have what we need to find happiness in our lives. We all have the ability to validate ourselves, create inner confidence and peace; we all have an indispensable amount of strength. We all have instincts that are more likely to point us in the right direction, and we all have righteous desires. And deep down inside, I think everybody knows all of this already, they just forget it through all the craziness of life.

I'm trying to remember what I have learned and apply it. I know whatever happens to me is an opportunity of one kind or another, and I am trying to use that knowledge to become more peaceful and confident.

But here's the thing:
Often, I feel so inadequate. Sometimes I feel like so many people I know are ahead of me, like they are suddenly more talented with more opportunities to advance in so many areas than me, without even trying. Everyone else even seems to have better possessions than me. (Deep down I know that doesn't matter one bit, but sometimes I just feel so poor!) I'll be honest, sometimes I even feel like those people are rubbing it in my face. I feel like some people condescend to me. Sometimes, I feel like I am not needed, like my talents are underdeveloped and under-admired. So many of my old friends don't even know who I am anymore.
But, I know it's partially my fault I feel this way. I haven't tried very hard to stay connected to everyone else, and I haven't always made the most of my time. However, I am not going to let that get to me. I am just going to try to improve a little bit at a time. And to anyone reading this that has felt the same about themselves, just know that now you at least know of one other person going through this, and if I can make it, you definitely can. :)

Here is a video that encourages and inspires me from one of my favorite makeup artists, Kandee Johnson:

Anticipation

I have been so negative lately. I have felt so stale. Stale is a good word to describe it. I'm with friends and I hardly laugh. I don't get excited about the little things I get to do. And my wardrobe choices? The stalest of them all.

So I have been working on it. I am trying to see life in a more positive light and relax around other people. I have been choosing cuter outfits for myself, even though I have to change into gross clothes for work soon enough.

And then, the other night I realized something! I realized that I do, in fact, have a very exciting year ahead of me. And suddenly that stale feeling started to lift. And then I realized something else. Having something to look forward to feels really great. I keeps me pushing through the drudgery I have to face.

{Disclaimer: I am not endorsing to always dream that sometime in the future will be better, or happier, than now is the right thing to do. I do believe that trying to find happiness in your current situation is the best, and part of that is proactively making exciting plans for the new future.}

If you know me, you know that I am about to make one of my many lists.

Stuff I am looking forward to for this year:
This week: Valentines dance on Friday, Temple and Mardi Gras dance on Saturday. The two dances are excellent opportunities to dress up and put on fun makeup. So it's going to be great.

Next month: Vacationing in San Francisco, where I will get to see my uncles and plenty of new and exciting things. I love that feeling of arriving at a new destination and seeing that fresh, exciting landscape that you know you'll be relaxing and exploring in. Craig and I have been needing a vacation very badly. Being cooped up in a tiny studio apartment (it really is tiny if you haven't seen it-trust me.) located in a small town for so long has warped our perspectives.

At the end of the semester: Graduation! I am getting my Bachelor's degree for heaven's sake! I should be pretty excited about it. Following graduation, we get to move to a bigger apartment and start new jobs. I just hope there is an awesome job waiting for me. I am about to start looking so pray that I can get something that will suit me and teach me some great skills.

This summer: My birthday (I love having a birthday every year haha.), And hopefully a couple fun weekends out and about. Craig and I are hoping for a weekend trip to Park City and a weekend trip to Bear Lake. Also, I am hoping to have a booth at Craft Lake City, and I am just excited for all the farmers markets, art events, and SWISS DAYS (!!! my favorite!!!) that come during the summer months. I am sure there will be some hiking and maybe even camping with my family as well. :)

Fall/Winter: I honestly don't have anything yet, but I am sure something will come up.

It feels good to have something to look forward to.